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How to stop blaming yourself

self-care self-love Aug 06, 2021

We're living in funky, unpredictable times.

It’s wearing down even the most grounded and balanced people.

But for some of us, we blame ourselves for things that happen.  We may not even be aware that we’re in this self-destructive behavior. 

You don't have to blame yourself.

In fact, it won’t help you in any way.   

For sure, it’s easy to get stuck listening to the blaming and shaming voices inside of you that tell you that you did something wrong…spiraling you down into negativity, into funky land.

Those are the times when nothing seems right. You feel off but you don't even know what's wrong.

It might be that you woke up feeling happy and everything was going great and then, BAM.

Some small thing happens.

Your phone goes off in the middle of a yoga class, with a voice message from your friend saying your name, "hi, Jo," and the whole class hears the voice recording and glares at you. 

(true story that just happened to me this morning at yoga.)

You step on the scales and see you've gained another pound. Grrrr. 

Or more seriously, you get into a fight with your spouse over the silliest of things, both of you locked in a power struggle for who's right and who's wrong.

Or you get word that a dear friend has covid and is hospitalized.

It's all so wearing.

The self-blame game

It's easy to get into the self-blame game.

  • "I shouldn't have said...”
  • “I should have shut my phone completely off before yoga class”
  • “I should have gone to see my friend before she got sick”
  • “I shouldn’t have had that bowl of ice cream last night.”

Sound familiar?

If any of this is what you're hearing in your mind, I want you to stop right now.

The "shoulds" won't help. Beating yourself up won't help. 

Spiraling off into thinking that you are to blame won’t help you or anyone else. It'll just make you feel bad about yourself.

If you did do something that wasn't cool,  then apologize, ask for forgiveness.

But then you need to...


Things to do if you’re blaming yourself:

1. Stop the internal voices that are having a field day with you

2. Notice what was just said, what just happened.

3. Check yourself. Did you really do something that wasn’t helpful or caused someone else pain? Did you? Be honest with yourself. If you weren't responsible, let go of blaming yourself.

4. Get rid of the should's and the shouldn’t have's. These words only hold us back. Besides, whose rules are they anyway?

Try replacing those words with "could" or "I could have."

5. Reach out to a friend. Someone who knows you and appreciates you. Get another perspective on whether you’re in the wrong or not.

6. Sleep on it. Your brain has a chance to process everything when you’re sleeping. That’s why if you have a good night’s sleep, mornings are better.

7. Focus on your intention for this day. Is your intention to do good in the world?  What is the reason you're doing what you're doing?

The self-blaming voices can show up anytime. 

This is especially true if we’ve had a lifetime of beating ourselves up.

But we don't have to listen to them. 

Another way that you can stop the self-blame and not be so hard on yourself is by trusting yourself.

For extra support go take my free assessment to see how much you trust yourself.

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Friday 25 September - Sunday 27 September

Fall is a time for us to slow down, to ground ourselves and to nourish our bodies. This retreat is designed to help you stop and listen to what it is you need right now. It's a fun and restorative weekend with mindfulness exercises, morning yoga, an online cooking class with the fabulous Chef Bai, healthy recipes to try at home, meditations and group calls to connect you with other women.